


No means yes, idiot.

by itsnotlove



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Almost smut, Consent, Enemies With Benefits, Enemies to Lovers, Kissing, M/M, Misunderstandings, Tropes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2016-06-19
Packaged: 2018-04-27 02:01:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5029378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsnotlove/pseuds/itsnotlove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Shizuo finally catches Izaya after a long chase, they both start to feel something for each other they haven't previously. However, when Izaya tries to unleash Shizuo's beast, he's surprised by the reaction he gets. And so, Izaya's thirst-quenching adventure begins.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 01

He was close, closer than usual. The chase had gone on for longer than usual and they were both tired, but Izaya seemed to be the worse of the two. He was so close that Shizuo could almost taste him.

 

Shizuo had given up on launching things at him, his arms aching already, but he pushed his legs to run faster and harder. Shizuo laughed as Izaya made a hard right, turning down an alleyway leading straight to a dead end. He pushed himself a little more, turning the corner not a second later before slowing to a walk.

 

Izaya stopped running, eyes flickering around the dark space in search of a fire escape, box, _anything_ he could use to flee, but found nothing. Noticing Shizuo stalking toward him, he backed himself up toward the alley wall.

 

“Ne, Shizu-chan, you finally caught up.” He laughed, as if this had been his plan all along. Beads of sweat trailed from his damp hair line to his neck, the exhaustion obvious by the red in his face. “Are you going to kill me? Or bury me in the ground to come back to later, like a true beast?”

 

Shizuo chuckled, though the sound was devoid of humour. “Nah, I’m just gonna rip your leg off and beat you with it.” He kept walking forward until he was less than a foot away from Izaya, and stared down at him with a near manic grin.

 

“Why don’t we make this a fair fight?” Izaya shifted, uncomfortable with his personal space being intruded upon, and reached a hand into his jacket.

 

Before he could retrieve his blade, Shizuo grabbed both his wrists and pinned them on the wall above the informants head, “Since when have you played fair, huh?!”

 

Izaya’s smirk fell, turning into something more sinister. He tried to move his arms but Shizuo only tightened his grip, forcing a small and involuntary yelp out of Izaya’s lips.

 

Shizuo watched as he squirmed, enjoying the control he had over Izaya. The man couldn’t run, couldn’t jump or dodge now. The way Izaya’s face turned a slightly darker shade of pink, the small noises that slipped from his mouth, how small and fragile his wrists were...

 

 _‘This is bad.’_ Shizuo thought to himself, swallowing hard in an attempt to push back the feelings. Luckily, Izaya hadn’t yet noticed the growing bulge in Shizuo’s pants, too busy on trying to deal with his own feelings on the matter.

 

Shizuo was too close and the lack of control he had over his own fate was terrifying, yet somehow exhilarating. He wondered what Shizuo would do once he discovered just how aroused he was, and found he almost didn’t care what happened to him.

 

That thought truly scared him.

 

It was just as Shizuo started to lean in toward those lips that Izaya panicked, driving a knee into Shizuo’s crotch as hard as he could. Shizuo almost crumpled, folding in two and moaning loudly with pain. He didn’t release the hold he had on Izaya, who was currently trying to work out if what he’d kneed was as hard as he thought it was.

 

The alleyway was silent for a few minutes, save for Shizuo’s panting. When the pain had subsided some, he tightened his grip on Izaya’s wrists and began to raise himself up a little. How could he have been so stupid as to try and _kiss_ that shitty flea? What was he thinking? Why would he ever- Oh.

 

He stopped before he’d straightened himself out completely, noticing the large lump in Izaya’s pants. He looked up at Izaya who was currently staring at him in wide-eyed horror.

 

“Is this…?”

 

“Shut up!”

 

Shizuo’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he moved both of Izaya’s wrists into one hand. His left hand now free, he moved it slowly toward the bulge and poked it gently.

 

“Mm-! Shizu-chan!” Izaya scolded, twisting his hips away from the blondes prying fingers.

 

Shizuo straightened himself up slowly. “It _is_ an-”

 

“Shut up you idiot!”

 

Shizuo smirked, the pain and anger from earlier forgotten with this revelation. “Are you _hard?”_

 

Izaya shook his head, but the look on his face wasn’t very convincing. Shizuo chuckled again, dragging Izaya’s wrists further up the wall and thrusting a knee between his captives legs. Izaya didn’t make a noise, but ground himself against it before stopping himself.

 

It was too embarrassing, too _wrong_ to do this in public, let alone with his worst enemy. He couldn’t give into whatever strange desires he suddenly had! He turned his head slightly, in time to see Shizuo lean in toward him and close his eyes.

 

Their lips met gently and hesitantly, but the kiss soon became a mess of teeth, lips, and tongues. Shizuo pressed himself against Izaya, who in turn started to yank on his arms. He wanted to run his fingers through Shizuo’s hair, to scratch and grab every part of his body, and the fact that he couldn’t was almost unbearable.

 

Shizuo’s free hand explored Izaya’s body with abandon, slipping up the back of his shirt to set the skin on fire with soft touches, before moving further down…

 

Izaya jolted forward and away from the fingers reaching down the back of his pants, pulling out of the kiss.

 

Shizuo gave him a strange look, “What the fuck?”

 

Izaya didn’t say anything, choosing to look at the suddenly interesting wall on the other side of the alley. If Shizuo wanted this as badly as he did, he’d make him beg for it like a dog. He’d never had anal sex before, and had never really had any interest in bottoming but-

 

“Do you want this or not?” Shizuo asked, impatiently grinding himself against Izaya.

 

Izaya did, badly, but he shook his head anyway. Shizuo was a beast, which meant he’d disregard anything Izaya said and take him anyway. Izaya would never have to admit he wanted to make out with Shizuo, let alone fuck him, and he’d be able to hold it over the blondes head forever.

 

Not to mention the possibility of rough sex.

 

Shizuo stopped moving against Izaya and a stranger look settled on his face. “Oh.”

 

_‘Oh?’_

 

Before Izaya could question him about the bizarrely quiet reaction, Shizuo was letting go of his wrists and backing away. “Sorry to have, ahh, troubled you.”

 

_‘What?!’_

 

Izaya watched as Shizuo turned and walked away quickly, not moving for several minutes after he’d gone in case he'd changed his mind and decided to come back. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Shizuo was supposed to give in and do it anyway, to tell him he didn’t care if he wanted it or not, but instead…

 

“Shit.”


	2. Chapter 02

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd and full of tropes!

It had only been a week since Izaya and Shizuo had met in the alley, but it felt like an eternity to Izaya. He’d been able to think of little else, remembering the taste of cigarette stained lips and the delicious feel of that leg between his legs.

 

It had gotten to the point where he could barely sleep, and spontaneous erections at the memory seemed to plague him while he worked. It was uncomfortable at best, and unbearably embarrassing at the worst.

 

He needed these feelings to leave immediately, but not even cold showers were working at this point.

 

After some ~~masturbation~~ consideration, he came up with a plan of attack. He needed to fuck Shizuo.

 

Or be fucked by him. Izaya didn’t particularly care at this point as long as his dick would be on, in, or near the blonde at some point in the near future.

 

Which was precisely why he’d left an annoyed Namie to take care of his work so he could skip out of the office and into the monsters lair. It only took ten minutes for him to find Shizuo, following the loud banging coming from what appeared to be a chase between the bodyguard and a debtor.

 

“STOP RUNNING!” Shizuo bellowed, grabbing some middle aged man by the collar before flinging him into a building.

 

“Shizuo!”

 

“Ah?” Shizuo watched as the man’s body slumped to the ground, “Sorry Tom-san.”

 

Tom shook his head as he walked to the debtor, grabbing his wrist to feel for a pulse, “It’s fine, he shouldn’t have tried to cut you with that knife.”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“He’s alright, but I better call an ambulance.” Tom stood and pulled out his phone, typing in the number quickly, “You better go home, just in case.”

 

Shizuo looked at the man on the ground and wanted to protest, but thought better of it. “Sorry, Tom-san.”

 

Tom nodded and smiled in an understand way, watching as Shizuo walked away before giving his location to the operator on the phone.

 

Shizuo walked away quickly, knowing that it was always a good idea to follow Tom’s advice, and decided to take the backstreets home. He’d only made it a few blocks before his stomach growled loudly, forcing him to take a detour to a small convenience store.

 

Unfortunately, he was running short on cash and could only afford a small piece of toast. He paid for it, but spied another customer drinking what looked to be a delicious milkshake as he did.

 

“Hey, if I run home and get some more yen, will you have one of those for me by the time I come back?” he asked the shopkeeper hopefully, jabbing a thumb in the direction of the blissful customer.

 

The shopkeeper nodded and chuckled to himself, causing Shizuo to beam. He shoved the toast into his mouth, walking to the exit then sprinting once he was free and clear. He wanted to eat the toast that was dangling in his mouth but decided to wait until he was home, figuring there’d be plenty of time to gulp it down while he looked for extra cash.

 

With this thought on his mind, he smiled as he turned the last corner and barely noticed it when he ran headfirst into someone. The person went flying backward, landing on the cement footpath loudly before rolling backward several times.

 

Shizuo stopped immediately, tentatively walking toward the seemingly unconscious person on the ground wearing a fur trimmed coat.

 

“Izaya?”

 

Once he was close enough, he rolled Izaya over using the tip of his foot, wincing when he saw his leg. Izaya had scraped his knee and torn a hole in his pants, and seemed to be bleeding quite a lot. It seemed that he was lucky enough to avoid hitting his head, but he didn’t appear to be conscious at all.

 

Shizuo grumbled to himself, remembering the last time they’d met and the embarrassment he’d felt. He couldn’t help but feel a little guilty about maybe pressuring, or even scaring, the flea in that alleyway. With a deep sigh, he bent down and scooped him up, careful to cradle his head and neck like a baby.

 

He was close to his home, but he didn’t think it’d look good if Izaya woke up there. He looked around quickly then dug his hand into Izaya’s pocket and pulled out his wallet. It was full of cash, so after some contemplation, he took him to a quiet place he could recover.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Izaya woke up, he could hear a strange slurping nice. It sounded familiar, and it almost took his mind off the fact that he wasn’t wearing pants.

 

 

His eyes flew open and he scurried backward on what seemed to be a bed adorned with cheap red sheets, stopping only when he hit a box attached to the headboard. Whatever he hit seemed to control the bed however, sending strong vibrations through it. Sleepy eyes wide, he searched the room to try and ascertain his location.

 

Shizuo looked at him from the old looking armchair across the room, straw limply hanging in his mouth.

 

“Ah. You’re awake.”

 

Izaya nodded, unsure of where this was going. The last thing he remembered was running around a corner in order to cut Shizuo off, but now it seemed that he was pantless in a-

 

“We’re in a love hotel.” Shizuo confirmed, placing the now empty milkshake container on the ground before quickly adding, “Don’t worry, I didn’t do anything weird.”  
  
Izaya nodded slowly, swallowing once, “Where are my pants?”

 

“Oh, they ripped in the knee when you fell, then I had to rip them off to fix it up.”

 

Izaya looked at his knee, spying the mass of toilet paper and sticky tape masquerading as a bandage, “What am I meant to wear home?”

 

“Dunno.” Shizuo shrugged, looking at what seemed to be an interesting patch of wall, “Your coat might be long enough.”

 

“I want pants.”

 

“You’ve got none.”

 

“…” Izaya scowled, trying to ignore the vibrations of the bed. With all this talk of ripping pants, he was having trouble maintaining his composure. So, he decided to try and ruin Shizuo’s as well, which might even help him accomplish his goal. “Shizu-chan, are you sure you didn’t do anything?”

 

Shizuo shook his head quickly and played with his hands. Izaya smirked, bending his legs at the knees before separating them in order to give Shizuo a nice view. “Would you like to?”

 

Shizuo’s hands went still and he sat motionless, only his pupils moving as they trailed across the room and toward Izaya. When they spotted him, his cheeks became a soft pink, “Tch. Who’d wanna do that?”

 

“You would.” Izaya said softly, his voice as teasing as the hands he was running over his thighs, “Admit it.”

 

“You’re just gonna say no.”

 

Izaya shook his head slowly, and Shizuo stood up. He crept over to the vibrating bed, kneeling on the end of it before crawling between Izaya’s legs. He placed a hand on either side of the informant, staring down at him suspiciously.

 

“Say yes.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I wanna know you want it too.”

 

“‘Too’? So you’re admitting you wan-”

 

“I want to fuck your brains out, and I think you want me too as well.”

 

Izaya blushed slightly but refused to look away, “Wh-wha-”

 

“You aren’t being honest, but your body is.” Shizuo interrupted, grinding himself against Izaya’s arse and eliciting a pleasant moan in return, “Say you want it, and I’ll fuck you into the bed.”

 

“I…”

 

Shizuo moved again, eyes boring holes into Izaya’s.

 

“I w-want… it.” Izaya spat out, grabbing Shizuo’s hair and dragging him in for a ki-

 

**_THUMP, THUMP, THUMP_ **

****

_“TIMES UP!”_

Their lips were only millimetres apart when the manager knocked on the door, and they stared at each other for a moment, remembering where they were. It would be too cliché, too public, to have sex here.

 

Shizuo moved back first, shoving a hand down his pants to readjust himself as he muttered. “My place. Tonight. Eleven. Don’t be late.”

 

Izaya nodded wordlessly, watching as Shizuo gave him another once over. The blonde tsk’d loudly then left the room, slamming the door behind him. Izaya could hear his yelling accompanied by what must have been furniture crashing from the lower floors a few moments later, smiling to himself.

 

If he had pants, the day would have been a near success.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So close to booty, yet so far!
> 
> And before you ask, Shizuo used some of Izaya's money to get the milkshake, and took them there first. He just walked in while he was holding Izaya bridal style, and the shop keeper asked no questions. Sometimes, it's safer if you don't.


	3. Chapter 03

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Awww <3

Izaya had arrived at Shizuo’s apartment building at nine fifty-four that night, exactly one hour and six minutes earlier than the time Shizuo had given him. He paced at the bottom of the stairs for some time. He wondered whether he should just break into the apartment early, wait until the time he was asked to come, or to just go home and leave Shizuo with blue balls.

 

With a large sigh and a noncommittal shrug aimed at himself, Izaya decided to take a seat in the darkness and give himself some more time to think over his choices. If he broke into Shizuo’s apartment now, then there was a strong chance that the blond would be naked and wet. He could sneak into the shower with him and kick things off early. However, there was also a chance that he’d be thrown through a window.

 

If he waited until eleven, Izaya risked looking too eager or compliant. Those were things he _definitely_ wasn’t, because he _definitely_ didn’t _need_ to be here. Orihara Izaya is a strong, independent informant who don’t need no monster dick, that’s for sure.

 

…but he did _want_ it.

 

It seems baffling that Izaya would even consider leaving at this point (especially since his dick was already waking up just at the thought of catching Shizuo in the shower), but there _was_ a possibility that Shizuo would follow him to Shinjuku in a rage about not keeping dates. He would be angry, violent, and terribly sexy.

 

Izaya groaned and leaned back against the wall behind him, tilting his head toward the sky as he closed his eyes. His eyebrows were furrowed, and he just couldn’t come to a decision.

 

“Oi, move over.”

 

Izaya muttered something under his breath about idiots not respecting the personal space of others but complied with Shizuo’s demands. He hadn’t heard him walk up at all, and barely took any notice of him as he sat beside him.

 

Shizuo stayed quiet as Izaya thought, only glancing at him from the corner of his eye as he smoked. His hair was still damp from the shower as he had prioritised his craving over drying it properly, but it wasn’t cool enough outside for it to be a danger.

 

He hadn’t expected Izaya to be sitting in his smoking area when he came out, and though he’d initially wanted to crush the man with a nearby truck, he managed to stay somewhat civil. It was only ten twenty-something, which meant Izaya was _early_.

 

“Oi, Izaya-kun, why’re you sittin’ out here?” Shizuo asked after he had finished his cigarette. “You’re early but uh, we can… start? Y’know, if you want?”

 

Izaya finally opened his eyes at the offer, only for them to widen once he realised that Shizuo was sitting beside him. He managed to keep a small amount of control over his expression, but couldn’t quite hide the surprise in his voice.

 

“Shizu-chan.”

 

It was a statement and not a question, and Shizuo leaned forward a little as he waited for Izaya to elaborate. The flea must be nervous after earlier, so it would be gentlemanly to wait for him to finish and not punch out of impatience.

 

“…Yes? That… is what I will do.”

 

“Right.”

 

The men appraised each other cautiously before they stood, before Izaya let Shizuo lead him into his lair. It was quite a sight cleaner than Izaya had imagined it to be. The apartment in no way resembled a cave and, from the looks of the room, there were no victims waiting to escape. It was simply a large room, with a bathroom off the side (and what Izaya _hoped_ was a shower) and a small kitchenette.

 

In the centre of the room was a large futon, already rolled out, with a small pile of books beside it. Izaya stepped through the door, deciding that it standing inside the doorway was probably more conspicuous than entering, and walked over to the futon.

 

Shizuo closed the door quickly but didn’t seem to know what to do with Izaya once he had him. Izaya was here, inside his home. Izaya had come here for sex, because Shizuo had promised him sex, and because Izaya wanted to have said offered sex with Shizuo. This fact was not lost on either of them, but the passion they’d felt earlier seemed to have evolved into a strange sort of awkwardness.

 

Izaya sat cross-legged on the futon, then shifted into seiza, then with his legs in front of him. Shizuo sort of hovered around, too afraid to get any closer but too excited to move further away. After a few long, quiet minutes, Izaya looked at Shizuo’s ankles and pet the space beside him.

 

Shizuo tripped on his own feet as he made his way over, but managed to recover a little. He sat beside Izaya stiffly, hands in his lap as he faced ahead.

 

“Sh-Shizu-chan.”

 

“Izaya-kun.”

 

_Silence._

“Uh-”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“W-we should…”

 

“Start? If you want? Is that what you were gonna say?”

 

“…”

 

“…”

 

“You didn’t do anything.”

 

“You didn’t say you wanted to start!”

 

“Who says ‘I want to start’ so plainly!?”

 

“You if you wanna start!”

 

“I’m not a _car,_ Shizu-chan! Stop saying ‘Start, start, start!’”

 

“What am I supposed to say, huh?! ‘Are you ready to get fucked’?”

 

“Don’t say it like I’m an attraction!”

 

“Well, aren’t ya?”

 

“I’M NOT A SLUT, SHIZU-CHAN!”

 

“WHO WOULD HAVE YOU?!”

 

The men sat panting at each other, faces close as their knees bumped. Somewhere along the way the two had moved closer to each other, but neither could really recall doing so. It was Shizuo who moved backward first, a soft pink tinging his cheeks. Izaya’s face went a significantly darker shade at the sight of _Shizuo blushing_ , and he lowered his head slightly.

 

“Oi.”

 

Izaya kept his head down but moved his shoulders just enough to indicate that he was listening.

 

“I’m gonna try something. Don’t freak out and do what you always do, right? Just… tell me yes first, or nod?”

 

Slowly, Izaya nodded. Shizuo didn’t move for a moment, then cautiously shifted closer to him on the futon. He brushed his fingers against the cheek facing away from him, then ran his fingers across trembling lips. Izaya moved into the uncharacteristically gentle touch, giving Shizuo enough room to ghost his lips against his porcelain neck.

 

It was intimate and kind, a loving gesture, and Izaya couldn’t help the small sounds of approval as they slipped out of his lips.

 

The vibrations only spurred Shizuo on, and Izaya could feel the lips becoming needier despite the fact they were obviously curling into a smile. Shizuo pushed him down onto the futon, careful to make sure that he put only the smallest amount of his weight on the brunette below him, as his lips trailed down to his collarbone.

 

Despite the fact his eyes had slipped closed, Izaya could still see Shizuo. His face was tattooed onto the back of his eyelids, and he writhed beneath the tender touches. He welcomed the calloused hand that ran under his shirt, whimpering just a little at the touch. Arching his back for more contact, he didn’t realise just how much he _needed_ Shizuo.

 

The blonde chuckled softly, ecstatic to discover that Izaya was just as hard as he was. The hand slipped out of Izaya’s shirt and toward the waistband of his pants, where he fumbled with the button and fly. After a few frustrating seconds, the informant felt the pressure reduce from his aching erection, and he groaned Shizuo’s name as it was set free from its confines.

 

Teasingly, Shizuo brushed the shaft with the pad of his thumb, receiving stuttered in return. He moved his lips to Izaya’s, pressing against them in an almost painful kiss. It was sloppy due to Izaya’s inability to participate, the curses and prayers sliding out and over Shizuo’s tongue, but that only made it better.

 

Shizuo’s fingers inched further down, between Izaya’s spreading legs, and a curious finger rubbed circles against Izaya’s twitching hole. He pushed it in hesitantly, not wanting to hurt Izaya, but stopped almost immediately. The blonde pulled out of the kiss and stared at Izaya with a frown as his finger moved around, then he pulled it out quickly.

 

“Wh-what?”

 

“You lied.”

 

Izaya opened his eyes, unsure of what was happening. “What? I said I wanted it!”

 

“You _lied!_ ” Shizuo insisted, pushing himself off of Izaya and into a standing position. “You’re not even wet!”

 

Izaya flushed, incredulous. “I am!”

 

“You _aren’t!_ Look, I don’t want _pity,_ got it? And I don’t want to pressure you or something. I only want to _start_ if you want to _start_ , right?”

 

Izaya pulled his pants up and rest on his elbows, unable to believe what was happening. He was painfully hard, which meant that he should be wet, right? He didn’t understand. “Well I _do_ want to _start,_ you protozoan! I want to! Maybe I’m just made to be top!”

 

Shizuo just shook his head sadly, not wanting to believe Izaya’s lies. It hurt to be strung along like this, but it almost killed him to think that he might pressure someone into going along with it.

 

“Shizu-chan, look at my dick. It’s hard like yours, right?”

 

Shizuo didn’t say anything, choosing to run a hand through his hair instead.

 

“I’ll just… m-maybe there’s a problem. I’ll look it up. Just…” Izaya pulled his phone out, pausing to stare at Shizuo. Shizuo frowned a little harder, then sighed heavily. He took a seat next to Izaya but put a little more distance between them.

 

Satisfied, Izaya unlocked his phone and began his wonderful journey into the land of gay sex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to point out typos! Man, I just keep cockblocking everyone, don't I? Hahahahaa.


	4. Chapter 04

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now with new characters!
> 
> (Special thanks to clandestineking on tumblr for helping with Izaya's dialogue with Tsukumoya, and for sitting down to read some of it as I wrote it... even though you knew it was going to be... this. <3)

** WHY ISN’T MY ANUS WET FOR SEX **

Even as Izaya’s thumb tapped in the last letters, he knew it was a bad idea to press search. He’d forgotten about a certain annoyance when he’d initially proposed the idea, but now he actually needed to use the internet, every alarm bell in his mind started to ring.

It didn’t help that Shizuo was sitting next to him, watching his phone anxiously and making it hard for Izaya to think clearly.

This was a terrible idea.

Nothing good was going to happen if he continued on his search for answers.

Maybe they could just go to the library instead and find information the old fashioned way?

“You don’t have to look it up.” Shizuo’s voice was soft, a broken sort of feeling lining the edges of his words.

It made Izaya want to throw up.

Monsters shouldn’t be depressed, and they certainly shouldn’t be willing to let their prey go so easily.

It was enraging, and it cast away any doubts he may have had. With a small, rebellious sort of noise, Izaya ignored his better judgement and pressed the search button.

HAVE YOU TRIED BUYING IT A DRINK?

“Huh? What’s that say?”

“I think this search engine is trying something new.” Izaya lied, tightening his grip on the phone as he tried to think.

GOOGLE, WHY ISN’T MY ANUS WET FOR SEX.

The loading symbol at the top of the browser spun, then stopped, then spun rapidly in the opposite direction. No results loaded on the screen, and the informant had a feeling that he might be being toyed with. It wasn’t as though his harasser could be speechless, after all.

HAVE YOU TRIED

“What’s that now?”

“...”

“Maybe your WeeFly is cutting out?”

“...”

BUTTER?

“Butter? Your ass isn’t a sandwich.” Indignant with the reply, Shizuo leaned himself backward and stared at the ceiling. “I dunno that I’m comfortable eating it. Besides, I only have margarine.”

“You can’t eat my ass, Shizu-chan. It’s not sweet enough for you.”

“Could cover it in honey or somethin’...”

HONEY WOULD ALSO WORK

“Oh my God.”

“What? I know you don’t have any honey, so if you’re worried about that-”

“Nothing. Just… Honey isn’t going to work.”

MAYBE IF YOU HEAT IT UP FIRST.

THAT DOESN’T SOUND PLEASANT.

IT MIGHT FEEL GOOD FOR SHIZUO.

I DON’T CARE ABOUT WHAT THAT IDIOT WANTS.

…

SHUT UP.

TRY TOOTHPASTE THEN.

“Shizu-chan, do you have any sensitive toothpaste?”

“I don’t think so...”

“What sort do you have?”

“Uh… Peppermint, I think? Let me check.” Feeling energised by the possibility of helping the situation, Shizuo sprung to his feet and trotted to the bathroom, leaving Izaya and his phone to their devices.

Now able to drop the Google-gone-wild act, Izaya typed a slightly more pointed message into his search bar.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I’M HELPING.

YOU AREN’T HELPING. YOU’RE MAKING THINGS WORSE.

THAT’S NO WAY TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO IS HELPING YOU, ORIHARA.

WE BOTH KNOW THAT TOOTHPASTE WILL BE TOO… PASTEY.  
YOUR HEAD IS SO FAR UP YOUR ASS, TSUKUMOYA. I ONLY ASSUMED YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO GIVE ME SOME DECENT POINTERS.

AT LEAST I’D BE ABLE TO GET SOMETHING UP THERE, THEN.

SHUT UP.  
WHY ISN’T IT WORKING.

DON’T BE ALARMED, BUT I BELIEVE IT’S BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE A VAGINA.

…

GIVEN YOUR LACK OF BRAVERY, IT CAME AS A SURPRISE TO ME AS WELL.

ARE YOU CALLING ME A POSEY?  
...AUTOCORRECT.  
ANYWAY, WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?  
IT SHOULD WORK THE SAME.

THIS ISN’T THE TIME FOR AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY RALLY.  
YOU NEED A LUBRICANT.

I KNEW THAT.

OF COURSE YOU DID.  
YOU NEED TO PUT IT  
…  
ORIHARA, I DON’T REALLY FEEL COMFORTABLE DISCUSSING THIS WITH A GROWN MAN.

“It’s peach flavour, is that alright?” Izaya looked up as Shizuo stumbled back into the room, a slight sag in his shoulders as he spoke. “I didn’t ask if you wanted to brush your teeth first, sorry.”

“It’s not for my teeth, it’s for my...” Izaya let his gaze wander away from Shizuo and back to the phone, and prayed that he could receive a little help.

YOUR ANUS.

“Anus. Wha-?”

“What the fuck, do you have teeth there?” Dropping the toothpaste, Shizuo inspected the finger he’d pushed inside of Izaya for bitemarks. “What the fuck, what the fuck!”

“I- No! I mean, I don’t think- Do you?!”

IT’S A LUBRICANT.  
IDIOT.  
YOU NEED TO LUBRICATE YOUR DRY ANUS.

“It’s a lubricant! For my… it’s lubricant!”

Eyeing Izaya warily, Shizuo bent at the knees to pick up the fallen tube of toothpaste. “Right...”

DON’T USE TOOTHPASTE. GO TO THE STORE.  
NOW.  
GO NOW.  
LEAVE YOUR PHONE AT HOME.

“Shizu-chan, why don’t we… go to the store. We’ll buy some lubricant.”

AND CONDOMS, OR ELSE YOU’LL BECOME PREGNANT.

“And condoms.”

“I… can’t you go by yourself?”

Izaya locked his phone and pocketed it, fully intending on ignoring Tsukumoya’s second last instruction. “Could it be that the Beast of Ikebukuro is embarrassed? Don’t tell me that condoms are your weak spot?”

Moving his hand to cover his face, Shizuo pinched the bridge of his nose. “No, I just don’t...”

“Ah...” The reality of the situation struck Izaya hard, wiping the smile off his face. “You’d rather go to the store with someone else?”

“Fuck, no, it’s… Look, it’s not that I don’t want to go grocery shopping with you. You’re a piece of shit, and they’ll probably want you to stay outside, but...” Shizuo turned away from Izaya, facing the bathroom so that the other couldn’t see his expression. “I just… don’t wanna try them on, okay? I don’t want people to see.”

Was that all? A little stage fright?

“Shizu-chan, they probably have a change room where you can try them on.”

“They don’t! I asked, alright! I stopped by on the way home and…” Shizuo’s voice lowered as he clenched his fists, “They said they don’t.”

“...” Standing up, Izaya pulled his coat back on and stepped toward Shizuo. “We’ll pick a few sizes and buy them all. You can try them on here.”

“That’s-”

“We’ll have a fashion parade or something.” Izaya didn’t give him time to respond, choosing instead to turn around and walk toward the door. “Hurry up, Shizu-chan. Or I’ll leave without you.”

 

 

******

 

 

The walk to the store had been an awkward one, with neither man realising that they should wait until their erections had deflated before making the journey. Luckily, the confused and frightened stares of onlookers, and the occasional shutter noise coming from the phone of the braver bystanders, meant that neither Shizuo nor Izaya were feeling all that sexy.

The trill of the door chime alerted the clerk to their presence once they made it to the store, but he only muttered a greeting before busying himself by reorganising the cigarettes behind the counter. Why the two famous enemies were walking toward the condoms was none of his business, and he was more concerned with returning to his wife and infant daughter than whatever they were up to.

Besides, Nakamura was still a trainee. Even if he wasn’t afraid, it wasn’t as though he were confident enough to help them with… whatever it was they wanted. He’d just check the Dollars page later and find out then.

God, he really hoped they’d leave him alone.

“What about ribbed?”

“Keep your voice down!”

“Don’t be so shy, it’s not like anyone else is here!”

Hiding behind the counter seemed to have worked for Nakamura, but he wondered how the men would react once they realised he’d been there the whole time.

“Are you sure I don’t need to try them on? I mean, I don’t want to waste them...”

Try them on? Nakamura stilled his movements and strained his ears, wondering if they’d actually gone elsewhere. The store was a small one, family owned and run, and they didn’t sell anything a person would usually try on.

“Waste? Shizu-chan can just give them out as Christmas presents.”

“Oi! I can’t do that! It’d be rude!”

“I guess it’d be hard for you to guess who’d be the smallest… What flavour do you want?”

“Tch! I dunno, vanilla?”

“I shouldn’t be that surprised...”

“What’s that ‘sposed to mean!?”

“Well, you didn’t seem all that forceful.”

“I’m not a rapist!”

Without even meaning to, Nakamura’s hands inched down to his pocket and slowly pulled his phone out. As much as he enjoyed having a functional body and no broken bones, the temptation to spread the word about what was happening was too much for him.

“And I’m not signing anything.”

“I never asked you to sign anything! I just wanna know you want it, idiot!”

“Who are you calling an idiot? Take off your pants, you can try them on here.”

“What! You said-!”

“I thought you didn’t want to waste anything.”

“That was before! Look, Flea, I’m not trying them on, so if you want to get fucked then you’re gonna have to buy them all.”

“Oh...”

“What?”

“It has the sizes listed on it. Shizu-chan, how big is your-”

Unable to believe what he was hearing and in total shock, Nakamura jumped at the bold conversation and smacked his head against the counter, cutting off Izaya’s sentence. At the realisation that he was about to die, he felt a pressure in his bladder as footsteps slowly made their way toward the counter.

“Ah, hello there!” Izaya called in a jovial voice, a charming smile on his lips. “I don’t suppose you heard anything just now?”

Nakamura gaped, then shook his head violently from side to side.

“Oops! Looks like you forgot to send that message!”

As Izaya leaned over the counter to swipe Nakamura’s phone, the latter felt his soul exit his body.

He was going to die.

His child would grow up without a family.

His wife would marry Watanabe, the man who’d bullied him in middle school.

“Let me help with that.” Nakamura’s phone made a sound to indicate that the message had been sent, which was followed by Izaya’s, Nakamura’s, and Shizuo’s phones sounding off. “Looks like we’re all in the Dollars, huh? Well, it’s just as well.”

“Izaya, what the fuck!”

“Shizu-chan, it’s not as though anyone will believe him.” Izaya tossed the phone back at Nakamura, then motioned toward the items in his hands. “So kind of you to pay for our purchases. I’ll make sure to come again.”

Laughing, Izaya left the store, followed by an indignant Shizuo, leaving Nakamura shifting on the floor, wondering just when it was his bladder had betrayed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's one in the morning and this probably makes no sense, but I hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading!


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